Not a proud moment.

I don’t like it.

There’s a lot of unnecessary. Samus doesn’t need to talk. It doesn’t need 3-D movement. It doesn’t need an overwrought story. It doesn’t need to try and convey a message. It needs to feel isolated. It needs to have a sense of exploration, and the player has to be able to do that.

Problem: The Damn Controls

I really can’t describe how wonky these controls are to me. Like, seriously, who thought this was a good idea? Let’s make a shooter where the player can move in a three-dimensional space with a directional pad. No, really guys, stop laughing. I know it’s a digital input that can only translate eight directions, but we can totally do this. Platforming isn’t that big a deal in this kind of game anyway, right? Like, remember Super Metroid? Ostensibly a perfect game, that we’ll reference (and spoil) in the first minute of the game? You remember how we made it so you direct where Samus aims? Let’s make it so that Samus auto-locks onto an enemy to alleviate this idea. Which brings me to my second point:

Problem: Seriously, Auto-Lockon?

Here’s how I’ve been getting through levels: Press the 1 button constantly. This makes it so that any of those creeping monsters are brought right out into the open to just die instantly. That is, if you want to use charge shots and her Buster Shot. Also, this only works when the lock on really wants to work. You need to light a few candles and say a number of incantations in order to get the proper stars to align and to make sure you’re actually shooting the damn monsters. You know, I vaguely remember another Metroid game that allowed to to go into first-person mode and shoot things with ease, while not compromising the difficulty of the game. What’s that? This game has that, too?

Problem: No, It Doesn’t

Firing randomly around the screen is not a good way to emulate what Retro Studios did to the Metroid Prime series. Also, in order to use missiles, you have to point the Wiimote at the screen, lock on to something and shoot it. When you do this, you can’t move. When you’re locked-on, you can’t shoot something that’s not a missile. It’s a pretty big pain. Further, it sort of destroys that whole “exploration/experimentation” aspect of the game. The only things you can use missiles on are only what the game tells you. Really, you lock on to something and the game says “HEY USE A NORMAL MISSILE ON THIS WHEN YOU GET THE CHANCE” and “OH HEY A BOMB HERE CAN GET YOU AN ITEM. YOU KNOW, THIS ITEM RIGHT HERE THAT IS HIGHLIGHTED BY A BRIGHT BLUE DOT”.

Problem: Samus’ Character

Good lord, she won’t shut up. And it’s such hamhanded themes, too. Maternal imagery and motherly/fatherly/family themes attack you more than the enemies. Starts off fighting Mother Brain (which isn’t this game’s fault) and you survive thanks to the baby metroid. Afterward, you intercept a baby’s cry distress signal coming from something called a BOTTLE SHIP. She constantly refers to her old Galactic Federation officer as her father-figure because she’s an orphan because that’s how things are. You know, I’m surprised they didn’t sneak the word “Mother” into the title.

It also doesn’t help that everyone…everyone…in this game is just terrible at voice acting.

Silver Lining: It’s really pretty.

Seriously. I’d stop playing this game if it didn’t look as gorgeous at it does. It’s staggering that this is on the Wii. What witch-doctors have they employed to trick their games into thinking they’re on some other console like the 360.

I’ll probably give it a few more gos, but after my first hour of Metroid Other M, I’d stray away from it.

Whilst working toward 100% completion, I need to capture or kill all the bounties in the game, triggered by taking a Wanted Poster. I’ve done six (not even half). My goal is to get each bounty “Alive”, meaning I need to infiltrate their hideout where they were last seen, reach them, lasso them, throw them on the back of my horse and ride to the nearest jail. Simple enough?

Nope. In order to get to the guy, you have to murdalize their crew around their hideout. After, if you’re lucky, he’ll stand in place and just shoot at you. Other times he’ll just whistle for a horse and ride away. That means you give chase.

So here I am in Tall Trees going after this guy when he gets dangerously close to a nearby cliff. I quickly target his horse and shoot it dead so he can’t get away very quickly. He falls off the horse and keeps falling, closer to the edge.

I lasso him.

Physics is a harsh mistress. As I’m trying to get nearer to him on foot to hogtie him, he keeps rolling, rolling, rolling towards the edge and falls off. It’s not very high up so I go with him until he (finally) comes to a complete stop and I can rope him up.

At this point, I see red blips on the minimap, denoting that some more outlaws are coming to his aid. I whistle for my horse, a good few feet above me. Unwilling to make the jump I did, he takes the scenic route around the cliff with a staggering pace of nonchalance.

Panicked, I grab the assailant, sling him over my arm and hobble in the general direction the horse is to come from…all the while trying to keep ahead of the now proper-pissed perps on horses behind me.

After an eternity, the horse arrives. I toss the guy on it, jump off and make a mad dash to Blackwater, clear on the other side of the region.

I hear boars. “Go away boars. I don’t need you now. Besides, you’re not a big deal. You aren’t cougars.”

Big mistake. I’m currently going mach 3 on my horse with a boar running perpendicular to my path. It rams into me and knocks the guy off my horse, which I don’t notice for a full 4 painful seconds.

I immediately make a U-turn for fear the posse is going to free him and murder me for wasting their time. I get off the horse, pick him up, and the boar comes back for round two to kill my steed, meaning I’m horseless for an agonizing minute. And oh yeah, those guys just caught up and are riddling me with bullets.

Ragequit.

My point is this: never have I had a game where the gameworld started griefing me (even in Left 4 Dead with the AI director I’ve never gotten this screwed over). The game itself makes you wary of the hazards in the wilderness, making you think of those variables in addition to whatever seems to be barelling down on you.

We need more games like Red Dead Redemption and Left 4 Dead where the gameworld itself is itself a hazard. Sure, in games like Oblivion you can have the odd monster come out of nowhere, but it’s not quite the same as getting clawed by a bear, killing it, then getting mauled by another bear (also true story). There isn’t something to blame for a goblin coming out and pestering you. In these games, you swear not at the game itself, but the AI director or the widerness. Sure, you can’t find a beaver to save your life but twelve cougars will just come out of nowhere and skin you alive.

WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN

Give it a whirl.

“Find me a person who would value any video game above Huckleberry Finn and I’ll show you a fool.”

Mr. Ebert, my hair is a bird and your argument is invalid. I can sum this up in two words: cultural relevance.

I was forced, eons ago, to read through the laborious text of Huckleberry Finn, a book we’re told is relevant for the sake that it’s relevant. I barely remember reading it because I was not able to form my own opinions about it…rather I was told what was important so that I could be quizzed on those facts later.

See the problem? We just hold it up to standards but don’t care why anymore. It’s a text that captures a snapshot of American society. Wonderful. One picture of how people used to live. It’s propgated because we’re told it should be.

It also bears to mention that this man has probably never played any of the poster-child games that define the medium: Portal, Flower, Shadow of the Colossus…these are incredibly deep and beautiful games that do require attention. These are the texts we should be looking at and analyzing now. Students today don’t care what the carpetbaggers stand for anymore. They’re not capable of formulating their own opinions about the text because we’ve tread the ground extensively. We know all the symbols. We know the subtext. Whoop de doo. Now, Mr. Ebert, if you held up something that has a lot of depth that still has room for interpretation (like, oh, let’s say Finnegans Wake), you’d have a leg to stand on.

Games, however, inherently have interpretation built into them by the sheer fact that they’re interactive. A game like Fable has the benefit of changing based on your play style. You (to an extent) project a motivation onto Samus Aran in Metroid. You get to write the damn story yourself. 

Moreover, I don’t much care for someone who graced us Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.

The Nintendo 3DS will change everything. This is from a guy who hasn’t even seen it in action personally.

Look at that monster. Doesn’t just beg to be played?

It has a touchscreen on the bottom. It has a widescreen on the top, capable of producing 3D graphics without the need for glasses. It has a slider on the right side of the screen to adjust the level of 3D-effect, with the option to turn it off for those who are against that sort of thing. It has the processing power of a Nintendo Wii. It has a tilt sensor and motion sensors in it to have rudimentary motion control. It has a “slide pad” that makes the PSP’s nubbin look like an absolute joke (reportedly). It has a camera on the inside to track the player during gameplay. It has two cameras on the outside to take 3D pictures. It has a free online gaming service. It’s fully backwards compatible with all DS and DSi games.

Its first launch title is a new Kid Icarus game, a franchise that hasn’t been touched in two decades. It has a whole world of other games lined up for it, including but not limited to Street Fighter, Dead Or Alive, Metal Gear Solid, Paper Mario, a 3D remake of Star Fox, and a 3D Remake of The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time.

If this thing had a face it would be Bill Murray’s.

This thing will destroy the gaming market, hands down. Not only does it have the DS branding on it to make it appeal to the casual crowd who only play the thing for Animal Crossing and Nintendogs (oh, and they’ve announced those, too…only Nintendog’s includes cats this time), but they’ve already piqued the attention of the hardcore gaming crowd with a killer prospective lineup. Not to mention all the major game developers ate this up at E3…

Regarding 3D, this thing is probably going to make it a standard on its own. God Bless Sony, they’re trying real hard, but they require a 3D-capable TV, their pricey system, glasses (glasses!), at least one of those Johnny-Come-Lately Wii remotes they’re hocking (The Playstation “Move”), a camera for it, a partridge and a pear tree. Read: a good few thousand dollars.

The 3DS’s damage, at worst, will probably be $250 (my estimate is $199.99…YOU HEARD IT HERE).

This thing is a monster. And day one (whenever that is) I’m going to welcome it into my house.

Once they announce the release date in America, I’m going to find the best place to pre-order, then I’m going to do what I haven’t done in nine years:

The night before launch, I’m going to camp outside the retailer for a console.

• Activision Publishing, Inc.: DJ Hero 3D

• AQ Interactive: Cubic Ninja

• Atlus: Etrian Odyssey, Shin Megami Tensei, Shin Megami Tensei: Persona, Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor

• Capcom: Resident Evil Revelations, Super Street Fighter IV 3D Edition (name not
final)

• Electronic Arts: FIFA Soccer, Madden NFL, The Sims 3

• Gameloft: Asphalt GT

• Harmonix: Untitled Music game

• Hudson Soft: Bomberman franchise, Deca Sports ranchise, Kororinpa franchise

• Konami: Baseball franchise, Contra franchise, Frogger franchise; Hideo Kojima’s Metal Gear Solid Snake Eater 3D: “The Naked Sample”; Pro Evolution Soccer franchise; Winning Eleven franchise

• Level-5: Professor Layton and the Mask of Miracle (name not
final)

• Majesco Entertainment: BloodRayne: The Shroud; A Boy and His Blob; Face Racers: Photo Finish; Lion’s Pride: Adventures on the Serengeti; Martha Stewart; WonderWorld Amusement Park

• Marvelous Entertainment BOKUJYOUMONOGATARI 3D (name not final)

• NAMCO BANDAI Games:Dragon Ball franchise (name not final); Gundam franchise (name not final); PAC-MAN & GALAGA (name not final); RIDGE RACER; Super Robot franchise (name not final)

• Nintendo: Animal Crossing; Kid Icarus: Uprising; Mario Kart; nintendogs + cats: Paper Mario; PilotWings Resort; Star Fox 64 3D; Steel Diver

• ROCKET: Crash-City GP; VS-robo

• SEGA: Sonic (name not final); Super Monkey Ball (name not final)

• SQUARE ENIX: CODENAME: Chocobo Racing 3D; DRAGON QUEST franchise: FINAL FANTASY franchise; KINGDOM HEARTS franchise

• Take-Two Interactive: Carnival Games franchise

• TECMO KOEI GAMES: DEAD OR ALIVE 3D; DYNASTY WARRIORS (name not final); NINJA GAIDEN; SAMURAI WARRIORS 3D (name not final)

• TOMY: LOVELY LISA 3D; NARUTO SHIPPUDEN ACTION

• THQ: de Blob 2; Kung Fu Panda Kaboom of Doom; Marvel Super Hero Squad Infinity Gauntlet; The Penguins of Madagascar; Puss N Boots; Saints Row: Drive-By

• Ubisoft: Assassin’s Creed: Lost Legacy; Battle of Giants: Dinosaur Strike; Driver Renegade; Hollywood 61 (name not final); Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon; Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell Chaos Theory

This is it. This is the device to make it. Look at this lineup! Kingdom Hearts, Metal Gear Solid, Dead or Alive, Super Street Fighter IV, de Blob 2 (YUS!), Paper Mario, Super Monkey Ball. Day one purchase for me.

Current OCD Status: 110 Stars. “Completed” World 1 – 6. Currently working through World S.

Excuse: Working. 90% of gaming energies devoted.

Picross 3D (Nintendo DS)

Current OCD Status: Perfect Status on 199 Puzzles.  Currently started Normal Stage 6.

Excuse: Only playing time is whilst watching TV. 10% of gaming energies involved.

Red Dead Redemption (Xbox360)

Current OCD Status: 33.0% Completion with 10h16s worth of gameplay logged.

Excuse: Primary focus on Super Mario Galaxy 2′s completion. Xbox360 is also only DVD player in apartment, so it’s currently the Arrested Development machine for the time being.